


To Be Human

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Father-Son Relationship, Friends to Lovers to Enemies, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Kylo Ren Backstory, M/M, Past Character Death, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron backstory, Post-Poe Dameron: Freefall, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Protective Ben Solo, Rating May Change, Regarding Poe and Kes, Warnings May Change, with Kes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26618236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Poe’s Academy days, after leaving Kijimi.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4
Collections: Bad Day Collection





	1. Kes

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Title from the Labrinth and Sia song of the same name.

Five years. 

Five years was how long it had been since he had decided to leave home, to go with Zorii and the others to Kijimi. When he had left home, expecting to be a pilot like his mother, had he ever, truly, expected something like this? Seeing some of the worst parts of the galaxy, seeing people who hadn’t been as lucky as him...

And Dad getting hurt. He could only hope that Dad was all right. He didn’t know if he deserved, exactly, to be forgiven. He didn’t know if he deserved anything, after how stupid he’d been, how ungrateful he’d been. Even knowing he’d been a kid when he’d run away...

Even knowing that wasn’t much comfort. He’d had a father who loved him, who’d given a damn about him, even if he had been imperfect — he’d been so stupid, so ungrateful to his own father —

Even waiting outside the medbay, Poe wondered if his father would survive the night. He hoped so. He couldn’t bear the idea of being responsible for the death of his own father. 

”Hey.”

A familiar voice. Too familiar, yet new at the same time. Poe turned to look at the now-grown Ben Solo. Eighteen years old. Shaggy dark hair. 

“Hey,” Poe said, smiling feebly. Even that didn’t sum up the way he wanted to say so many things to Ben. Apologizing for leaving him. Explaining everything. Stuff like that. 

Silence. 

”Ben,” Poe began, “I shouldn’t have left. I let you down, and horribly at that. If you ever want to follow my example...don’t do what I did...”

Ben held up a hand. “You were a child,” he said. “You were manipulated. By people who should have known better, at that. Most of them, at least.” A beat. “But it’s not your fault. And I know what you did.”

”You’re in tune with my mind?” Poe wanted to joke, but sometimes he wondered how powerful Ben’s telepathic abilities really were. 

”Very much so. But...word also spreads.” Ben said. His voice changed, sounding so in awe of Poe that Poe wondered, for a moment, if he was worthy of Ben’s awe, his adoration that seemed so pure and undiluted. "You saved Sela Trune. Tried to, in the second case. And I don’t care about ‘do or do not’, you tried to save her. A...monster wouldn’t do that. You’re not a monster.”

”But I was stupid.”

”You think I’m not kind of an idiot myself?” Ben was joking, but it was a weird kind of joking, a joking that sounded almost sad. 

”What’s wrong, Ben?”

”It doesn’t matter. I’m here because your dad got hurt, and because you needed me.”

”You’re important too.”

”We’ll see your dad,” Ben said. “Then...we can talk.”

***

Even Kes Dameron wasn’t angry when Poe came in. Instead, he smiled — smiled as much as he could considering he was in a medbay bed. “Good to see you, Little Bird.”

Little Bird. That was the nickname that Poe’s mother called him, growing up. 

”Dad,” Poe said, “I’m sorry. I kriffed up bad, and...”

Kes, weakly, raised his hand. “You came back,” he said. 

”I did,” Poe said. “And you and Ben were waiting?”

”Of course I was, Poe,” Kes said. “We were. We were always waiting for you.”

Tears pricked at Poe’s eyes. Painful tears. “I was so ungrateful...”

”How many teenagers are there who’ve taken their families for granted?” Kes said. “How many people in general? And yet, we still love them. It’s what a parent does.”

”Yeah." In the end, that was all Poe could say. In the end, that was all he could manage. 

Ben’s hand squeezed his shoulder. Poe, at least, was grateful for that feeling — something to ground him. 

”How are you doing?” Poe said. 

Kes chuckled. “Recovering. Medbay life is...boring.” Then, more seriously, “I messed up too, Poe. There were many, many areas where I let you down. Like your mother. After she died...it was like...” A beat. "When something hurts enough, you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to remember. Because then you feel. And feeling can be wonderful, but it hurts all at once.”

Poe nodded. “I suppose.”

”Your mother...I loved her with all I was. I still do. For all the pain of losing her, her coming into my life was a blessing. No exception.” A beat. “Same with you.”

Poe smiled. It was a painful smile, where he swore he was about to cry as well. Ben squeezed his shoulder again. “When are you coming home?”

”They’re fixing me up. Should be out in...two days? Three? Do me a favor, little bird — go with Ben. Go find memories of your mother, dig them up. You deserve it.”

Poe nodded. “I’ll tell you about them.”

***

Leaving medbay, Poe turned to look at Ben just then. “Thank you,” he said. “For being there.”

”No problem.” Ben said. “You needed me, I came. I...care very much about you, Poe. Appreciate you.”

”Right back atcha,” Poe said. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

Home. He needed that much, after the horrors and wonders he’d seen. 


	2. Shara Bey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe remember Shara — properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Ben’s worry about his dad is very much in his head. I think Han would be confused at times by the Force, but he wouldn’t love Ben any less.

The ship Poe took to Yavin landed on the planet, outside the house where Poe lived in once. He could remember playing in the front yard with Ben, pretending that they were pilots, or Jedi, or whatever Ben decided they’d be for the day (or whatever Poe decided). One running theme was the fact that Ben chose the name “Kylo” in their play, like an alternate identity. The strong, brave hero he wanted to be, even though Poe thought it was ridiculous; after all, Ben was strong and brave on his own. 

And speaking of Ben, he seemed to be hiding something. Like he was trying to hold something together. Trembling on the edge. 

Hesitantly, Poe said, “You okay?”

”I know this place like I saw it in a dream,” Ben said. “These walls, the grass...we’d run in this grass, and pretend to be heroes. Of course...you are more of a hero than you know.”

”I’m not.”

”Wouldn’t you say that saving Trune was evidence of being a hero?"

Poe sighed. “I wasn’t really...made of being a Spice Runner.”

”That’s a good thing." Ben said. 

The way Ben looked at him...Poe didn’t deserve the way this one man looked at him. 

He was getting it anyway. 

"You’re feeling guilty,” Ben said. “Being too cruel to yourself. Never asking for thanks for the good you did but refusing to admit the Light in you.”

”It’s a little creepy when you do that,” Poe said. 

”Sorry.”

”Can you help it?” Poe said. “Noticing?” He felt bad now about his “creepy” comment; after all, it wasn’t like Ben could help it. It wasn’t like Ben would hone something like that into a weapon to use against others. Ben...would he ever intentionally hurt anyone? 

”Not really,” Ben said. “It’s like...sensory overload. I can see everything, feel everything. Sometimes I...is it ungrateful of me to say I’d prefer to be normal?”

”I like you as you are,” Poe said. 

”Sometimes I’m worried Dad wants me to be normal. Like him...”

”Oh, Ben,” Poe said. “You know it’s not true. Your father adores you.”

Ben sighed. “True. I guess it’s kind of...it’s like my brain’s telling me all these horrible things about my family. About...people I appreciate.”

”Well, we have a term for that,” Poe said. “Outside of Force user circles. It’s called having a jerkbrain.”

”Yeah.” Ben smiled faintly. “Sorry I burdened you with it. I mean...you’re more important.”

”Who’s to say you aren’t important too, Ben?”

***

Poe hadn’t been in Shara Bey’s room for quite some time. If anything, it had been deemed off-limits after her death. Stepping in was a lot like finding a part of Shara again, stepping into the world that she had been in. Holos of her and Kes at the celebration on Endor, holos of her and Leia and others, friends of hers. Holos of Poe, when he was a toddler, an older child — all the way up to age eight. 

”Kriff,” Poe said softly, “This was her room. She kept all this...”

”Of course she did,” Ben said. “Incidentally,” lighter now, “You were an adorable kid.”

Poe snickered. “You know, you were tiny. Sometimes I feared I’d break you. No idea how you got so muscular; I swear they put something in that Jedi Academy food...”

”Oh yes,” Ben said wryly. “Steroids. Call it popular demand.”

Poe was no stranger to sarcasm, but it took a while for him to realize Ben was joking. “Oh, very funny,” he said wryly. 

“It was kind of funny,” Ben said. “Not my best.”

”It was decent.”

Odd as it was, Poe was grateful. Being in his mother’s room was enough to make him emotional. Going over home holos with Ben, watching his mother’s radiant smile and more, hearing her distinctive soft but strong voice.

”She’d be proud of you,” Ben said. “I mean it. You came back.”

”You don’t have to say that for me, Ben,” Poe said. 

”You’re my friend. My best friend. I’d do anything for you.”

And sitting in that room full of Shara Bey, her memories, Poe wondered if Ben would kill the galaxy for him if need be. 


	3. Lu’lo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lu’lo and Poe reconcile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: The conversation with Lu’lo was pretty much the main reason it took a long time to update. Sorry.

They exited the house after a while, and Poe couldn’t help, despite being three years older, but feel oddly safe in Ben’s company. Ben was taller than he was — taller and bigger, and kriff, when did he get so tall? When did he get...this?

"You’re being obvious,” Ben said, smiling a bit feebly. 

”It’s just...weird," Poe said. “I just remember when you were that kid who thought I was a god.” A beat. “I was away too long.”

Whatever offense Ben was about to take to being compared to the kid he’d been was all but squashed in that moment. "You made a mistake,” he said. “You shouldn’t be punishing yourself for it forever.”

”How do I even go about apologizing to Uncle Lu’lo?"

”I’ll support you,” Ben said. “I believe in you.”

Poe turned to look at Ben, smiled. There was something about just being in Ben’s presence that really was soothing. That really made him feel, just for a moment, like everything was okay.

L’ulo was coming. A distant blue dot that eventually solidified into a Duros. 

Poe stiffened. The last time that he’d seen Lu’lo, Lu’lo had been trying to persuade him not to run away. Poe had run away anyway. And for what? Because he’d wanted to pursue his dream, at the expense of his father, at the expense of his family?

Lu’lo’s eyes all but bulged out of their sockets. “Poe!” he said. “You came back.”

”Uncle Lu’lo,” Poe said. “About our last discussion. You were right, I was wrong. I — ”

Lu’lo held up a hand. “I know,” he said. “I heard you spared Sela Trune. You know I’m proud of you for that, right?”

”I couldn’t save her,” Poe said. 

”But you tried. Give yourself credit; how many people would do that?”

”It just...seemed like the right thing to do,” Poe said. “And she didn’t seem like a monster. Not even a little bit. Just mad and sad.”

”Well, I’m proud of you. You lost your way,” Lu’lo said, “But you’ve been stronger for the journey.”

Ben wrinkled his nose. “Did you quote Visas Marr, Lu’lo?”

Lu’lo paused. “...you’re the historian here,” Lu’lo said. “I’ll trust your judgment.”

Poe turned to Ben and sighed good-naturedly. “Do your Old Republic nerd tendencies have to show up _now_?”

“Sorry.”

”Kidding, Ben.”

”It’s good to see you two together again,” Lu’lo said. “You haven’t stopped by in...how long, Ben?”

”I’m sorry,” Ben said. “Jedi training’s been a hassle.”

”I can see that. Well,” Lu’lo said, “Our door’s always open, Ben. And Poe...it is good to have you home.”

***

It was long after Lu’lo left that Poe turned towards Ben. “That went better than I thought.”

”If it didn’t, it would be ridiculous,” Ben said. “I mean, you made mistakes and you were manipulated at the same time. As a child.”

”You keep saying it.”

"It’s just a fact,” Ben said. “And if anyone starts doubting it, I’ll fight for you.”

”Because we’re friends?”

”Yeah.” Ben said, and Poe got the impression he was hiding something. “Because we’re friends.”

Poe smiled at him, and it was there, he thought, that he couldn’t help but feel comfortable just being around Ben. "I don’t deserve you, Ben.”

Ben snorted. “You’re stuck with me.”

They walked towards the Grimtaash, which was currently parked on Yavin IV almost casually. Poe was struck by Ben’s height, how Ben seemed to tower over him, black hair and gangliness and yet with an almost uncritical worship of him. 

Of course Ben knew he wasn’t perfect. It didn’t stop him from thinking so well of Poe. Poe sometimes wondered if Ben would ever change his mind. 

”I better go,” Ben said. “Voe’s probably going to never let me forget this if I’m late, and Tai’s probably worried about me. As is Uncle Luke. I mean, I’m a grown man; I can go wherever, but still...”

”Poor Ben,” Poe said lightly, “Bound to Jedi duties.”

Ben laughed. It struck Poe how beautiful he looked when he laughed, a mixture of strength and almost delicate beauty. 

”I’ll see ya,” Ben said, and he boarded the Grimtaash. 

It dawned on Poe that he hated watching Ben go. 

***

Ben was glad, at least, that he’d managed to speak to Poe when he got there. There was something about it that was enough to make Ben feel better, that he’d managed to help Poe. That he was able to give him some degree of peace. 

That was what you did when you loved someone, right? Ben knew it at least. He had loved Poe before he even knew that feeling had a name, a term for it. 

The problem was that he wasn’t good enough for Poe. Even seeing Poe at his most vulnerable — there was still something about him that just seemed so very perfect, so very wonderful. A bright star that threatened to outshine everything.   
  
And Ben...who was he? A mediocre Jedi who wasn’t good enough, who had his own demons to struggle with...

He wasn’t good enough. But he knew that whatever it took, he would never let Poe down. 


	4. Fork In The Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe brings up the subject of working for Leia with Kes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was the next morning Poe broached the subject of working with Leia. It took time psyching himself up but that morning...Poe had to try. 

”Dad?”

Kes looked up from where he was preparing breakfast. “You okay, Poe?”

”Yeah,” Poe said. “Look...I was thinking of something, but I want to run it past you first. It’s not flying. Well, probably not. But...when I was heading back from Kijimi, I saw Ben’s mom giving a speech. And I was thinking of...maybe to make up for what I did, I could help her...”

"Poe,” Kes said. “You don’t have to make it up to anyone for being groomed and manipulated into illegal activity.”

”I — ”

“It’s partially my fault,” Kes said. “Driving you into the krayt dragon’s jaws like that. Driving you away."

Poe bit his lip. “Dad...”

”Poe. Do you want to do it?”

”I want to help,” Poe said. “I want to give back to the galaxy, however possible.”

Kes smiled. “That’s my son — that’s Shara’s son.”

Despite himself, Poe smiled as well. 

”But first,” Kes said, “You’re going back to school. You missed a lot of school while you were away at Kijimi.”

”Yeah.” What would it be like, being a twenty-one-year-old high schooler? Assuming that that was the route he took. 

***

Even as he called up Ben, he noticed Ben looked a bit rumpled, a bit tired. “You okay?” he said. 

”Haven’t been sleeping well,” Ben said. “Doesn’t help I nearly Force Choked someone who said you were nothing but a no-good criminal.”

”Ben...you don’t have to defend my honor,” Poe said. 

”We’re friends,” Ben said. “I have to.”

”You really don’t,” Poe said. “I mean...I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

”But it’s not your fault,” Ben said, his voice fervent. “It’s not your fault that those Spice Runners tricked you. A child.” A beat. “Do I have to read up on New Republic law and definitions of emotional abuse to defend you?”

Poe actually did laugh. “No, I think you’re okay there.” More seriously, “Ben, I know you think the galaxy of me, but I’m not perfect. I haven’t been perfect for a long time.”

”You don’t have to be,” Ben said. “You’re a good person. You have no idea how much of a good person you are.”

”...maybe in time I’ll believe it,” Poe said. “I at least believe you believe it.” A beat. “Kriff, Ben...running away and abandoning you, you should hate me just for that.”

”But I don’t.”

Silence. 

”What did they do to you?” Ben said. “Trune, the spice runners...who told you that you’re not worth it?”

”No one. Yet.”

”And they shouldn’t.” Ben said. 

”I might be going back to school soon,” Poe said. “At least,” he added lightly, “I’ll be the galaxy’s oldest high school student.”

Ben snorted. "Someone might come along and top that.” Then, more seriously, “Whatever happens, Poe, I’ll defend you. I promise.”

”I had a feeling you would,” Poe said.


End file.
